Friday, February 25, 2011

A Poem ...

So my computer crashed ... luckily that is what boyfriend does for a living ... fixing computers ... or something like that ... all i know is that he is really good at it. however, in order to save my computers life he needs to "crash" it ... that would mean i would lose everything ... so he saved them for me ... and then he left me his computer so that i can use it ... he is too good for me.

Anyway! i was looking for my resume through my things that he saved that i havent seen in a very long time ... but as i was looking for my resume i stumbled across a bunch of old poetry that i wrote ... and i found this one ... this is one that i wrote when i was heavy ... you can see how unhappy i was ... and why i have to change it now ... here it is ... p.s. its not meant to be depressing ... its meant to be motivational! (the look of it matters ... but it didnt transfer properly ... so just go with it)


She Slouches

Although her acid washed
boot cut jeans may
be a bit too big. That
does not stop her moun
-tainous stomach from rolling
over top of them. Combined with
her breast her obesely curvaceous
profile only found in a hikers dream.
Her shirts too tight emphasizing the rolling
hills. Arms of a body builder with one millionth
the muscle. Pressed tightly against the voluptuous
side creating the appearance that a small dog could be
smuggled within her pit. Bones cannot be found, not even
at the elbows and knees. Red dots create patterns on her face,
whole constellations can be found, why no makeup, heaven and
her only know. A double chin eats at her face, threatening a third.
Greasy hair squashed down around her head, peeking feathers Thro
-ugh a hat. Sad green eyes are all the evidence of the beauty she used to
be, that she could have been. And yet she slouches as if she doesn’t care.
She feels their laughs and sees their stare; and yet her slouch stays.

fridays are fun!

My eating today has been fantastic! as was the rest of yesterday ... proud of myself? yes! food is my weakness ... always has been. my mom too ... she has always told me that she is a food addict ... in fact i have seen her myself eat her way through a box of a dozen krispy kreme donuts (which sound so good right now! ah!).

so even though the eating has been good i have yet to go to the gym today ... though ... i have been dressed in my workout clothes since ten this morning. maybe its just that i am just subconsciously waiting for boyfriends sister ... but maybe i should just go ... but it is a friday ... but i dont have anything to do (boyfriend is working) ... hmmmmm ... just do it right ... just do it ...

on a random note ... i got checked out last night ... that always makes me feel good :) ... makes me want to finish my goal ... i will one day ... i will!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Pictures ... Me Thin ... Me Fat ... Me Now ... WARNING: some of these arent pretty!







good with the bad

Yesterday ... so good! ate really well ... with a splurge of a little ice cream (less than half a cup!) at the end of the night.

today ... on the other hand ... not off to a great start ... its boyfriends stepdads birthday today ... so we went to breakfast with him and his mom .. shout out to greg on his birthday! i had nutella crepes ... yummmmm ... bad choice though ... i am supposed to be healthy ... but when you eat out what else can you expect from a food place that isnt your house ... i think until i hit my goal weight i need to only eat at home ... or a salad from the hospital should be ok ... right?

with going to breakfast ... i didnt have time to workout ... and now i have to go to work ... maybe tonight i should walk up and down the stairs in a circle around the hospital ... that should give me some kind of exercise.

we shall see ...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The beginning ...

This is the start of it ... or the middle ... however you want to look at it. But whether or not it is the middle or the beginning or even the end, it is an endless journey ... an endless struggle. weight is all around us ... personal trainers on tv shows telling us what to do ... heavy people ... thin people ... celebrities that weigh a lot less than they should, yet they set the standard for what we should look like. Oh, did i mention that my mom is an aerobic instructor ... and that she has a very blunt mouth ... not a good combination when you are the large child. I dont say fat because i am not fat ... i used to be fat ... what i considered fat ... but im not fat.

I wasnt the thinnest girl in high school ... but i wasnt heavy ... i looked good ... athletic ... never did i look heavy ... but never was i confident enough to wear a bikini. It started when i first got into college ... the freshman fifteen is what it is called. but that was easy to lose once i got home to mommy in the summer. But then i got married ... married at nineteen ... to someone abusive ... not physically (not until the end) ... but someone who controlled every aspect of my life. with this depression set in ... with depression came eating ... with eating came weight gain. At my biggest i tipped the scale at 175 ... i know that that isnt huge ... but take into account that i only stand at five feet two inches. according to my BMI i was obese. i stayed that way for about a year and a half ... then i got a new job ... one that wasnt a manager job ... in fact it was as low on the totem pole as you can get ... a night housekeeping job ... dramatic change ... but it was what i needed. The people i met there helped me through one of the hardest times in my life... helped me revive my happiness. the movement helped me lose weight. twenty five pounds in one month. and that is where my journey started. a year and a half ago today (give or take a couple of weeks). But i have found that since then i have been stuck ... my weight fluctuates from 150 to 165 on a weekly basis ... i am stuck ... for a year and a half ... stuck ... i dont know whether it is lack of motivation ... lack of drive ... but i hope by starting this blog i can help motivate myself ... hold myself accountable ... because i know that no one will read this ... maybe my mom ... but that it will motivate me to stay on track. hoping that if someone does read this then i will be too scared to let people down. Oh ... and i want to wear a bikini this summer ...

Two days ago i started the jillian michaels 14 day cleanse and burn ... i hoped that it would help to jump start me to get out of this rut that i am in. I am also in a family biggest loser. you see ... i have a new boyfriend and almost all of the family members he lives with complains that they want to lose weight ... so we started our very own biggest loser. its been going for about a month now ... and i still havent broken my 150 barrier ... it has to be for lack of motivation ... i dont go to the gym like i should ... i eat crappy ... and the only way i have been losing weight is because i have been relying on my fluctuations alone. thats why i think i need that jump start ... and apparently i get to eat whatever i want on this cleanse thing ... but i dont want to do that ... monday was great ... i ate healthy ... tuesday was a wreck ... stress crashed down and i ate ... and ate ... and ate ... no workout ... no nothing ... but movies and food ... bad day. today needs to be better ... all i have eaten today was a slimfast shake ... and as soon as this is done i am heading to the gym. One thing i did do on monday that i refuse to do today was i went to 7 eleven at midnight for steamed milk and a candy bar ... ewww ... i wont do that today.

and so it begins ... my motivation ... lets hope that this helps ... that i keep it up ... keep me strong. i want a bikini ...

I will post pictures soon ... but this post is too long.